Why Adult Children Are Cutting Their Parents Out Their Lives

More young people are taking to social media to share about how they distanced themselves from their parents. In some cultures, the collective has more value over individual wants and needs. Family is considered more of a fact rather than a choice. But more millennials and Gen Zers are fighting that fact.

Who is right, and who take the blame?

There are three sides to estrangement: the child’s, the parents’ and the truth. One side could be that a spoiled child decides to cut off their parents without reason. On the other side, horrible parents abuse their child since young, and the child can no longer tolerate it.

Talks of cutting ties with family seems to be everywhere on social media. And there is some shocking data to back it up. Karl Pillemer, a professor at Cornell University found that in 2020, 27% of Americans (over 18 years old) were estranged from a family member. That is over a quarter of people.

But if social media is to be believed, this number may be higher. Thoughts about estrangement also follow generational lines. The older generations (Baby boomers, and older Gen X) accuse young people of being too rash to cut ties, while millennials and Gen Zers rebut this saying they don’t have to tolerate ‘unacceptable’ behaviour just because someone is related by blood.

@heytherebenji Hopefully, this helps and you can relate. If you’re no contact with family, you’re not alone. #nocontactwithfamily #nocontactwithparent ♬ original sound – heytherebenji

What leads to parent-child estrangement?

Rin Reczek, a sociology professor at Ohio State University, says there might be a cultural shift influencing people to be in control of who is included in their families. This power of choice allows people to choose who they want to stay close to, and eliminate who have cased bad experiences says Reczek. Even if the eliminated people are immediate family.

PsychCentral cites toxic behaviour as a possible reason for creating distance. Toxic behaviour can be defined as parents’ personality characteristics like anger issues, hostility, narcissism, disrespect and/or self-centeredness to their child/ren or spouse.

Some children suffer abuse or neglect while under their parents’ ‘care’. Once they become adults, and have the option to, they leave the abusive family, without looking back. This abuse and neglect may also be emotionally-linked.

Another reason for parent-child estrangement may be a difference in values and choices.

@hijabiluscious Cutting contact with my parents three years ago is what allowed me to have a relationship with the rest of my family #iranian #muslim #nocontact #abuse #estranged ♬ original sound – Neda

What happens after estrangement?

It’s easy to see why older generations think young people just don’t care about the importance (and sanctity) of family bonds. However, the whole ordeal of a child estranging from a parent is incredibly complex and tangled. I am of the opinion that no one just *easily* cuts ties.

Often, a child will endure the abuse or neglect for the ‘sake of the family’, before ultimately reaching an end point. But reconciliation is not off the table. If this is the objective, the first step is to stop looking for blame.

Mending the relationship is achieved when parents take responsibility for the hurt they may have caused their children, and be willing to change any problematic behaviours and accept healthy boundaries.

It is also important to avoid arguing over who is right and who is wrong. Abandon all expectations in order to rebuild the relationship, anew.

Empathy both parent and child is important. Since it is the child who usually decides to estrange themselves, it is up to the parents to take the first steps towards reconciliation.

Remember, do nor rush. In some instances, a little distance is what’s needed to rethink the relationship and heal wounds.