Today’s Wednesday Wisdom comes from the Belgian psychotherapist, Esther Perel. She is a sought after relationship therapist who has written several best selling books, like Mating in Captivity.
- Don’t rely on your partner for everything. Relying on your person too much can set your relationship up for unnecessary pressure it may not be able to withstand. Esther says this: Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling, to be our therapists, our parents and everything else in between. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all? Continue to maintain an identity outside of your partner, spending time with your friends and family separately.
- Shake things up wherever you can. Anyone who’s been married for more than a few years can tell you: It’s extremely tough to maintain that exciting initial spark once you start to get comfortable in a relationship.Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery,” Esther says, “If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel and the unexpected. Shake things up wherever you can.
- Apologise first. When you’re in it for the long haul, even the best relationship will have its fair share of up-all-night fights, screaming matches and disagreements. The most important thing, according to Perel? That you don’t wait for the other person to say “I’m sorry,” no matter whose fault it was. “To apologize—there is nothing weak about it,” Perel writes. “Whoever apologizes first is always the stronger one.”
- If your definition of love evolves, don’t panic. When you love someone, you always agree with them and adore everything about them, right? Nope. Perel maintains that love is much more complicated than that. “It’s a verb – a very active verb. And it’s often surprising how it can kind of ebb and flow. It’s like the moon. We think it’s disappeared, and suddenly it shows up again. It’s not a permanent state of enthusiasm.” Your love for your partner will probably feel completely different after month four of marriage than it does after year 12. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
- Stop comparing your relationship to everyone else’s. Your old friend just got married and her wedding looked perfect (on Instagram) and she seems so happy (on Facebook). When you’re behind on the bills and the kids aren’t doing well at school… it’s hard not to compare. The best way to reboot your relationship? Get off your phone – aka social media for a few days. The time away will help you realize that striving to be someone else is a frustrating experience. Instead, focus on all the good things you do have in your life and that will help you remain in the present and realise that life is actually pretty good.
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