Online dating can be hard: let alone starting a conversation on a dating app. It is not everyone’s favourite thing. But whether you’re trying to find a friend with benefits or something more serious, there are many ways to not seem desperate or creepy, and maybe get lucky.

Dating coach, Sarika Jain says the best convo starters “are the ones that are personal”, “ideally funny or witty”, or “slightly intriguing or curiousity-provoking”.

But it’s known that people get many DMs they never check. So how do you stand out? Here are 4 steps to get you on your way.

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Do not be rude = no bad vibes

While you might have your phone screen to act as a cushion, it is important to still be respectful and speak to the person like they’re an actual person: not a conquest.

And sorry: but saying something negative to get someone’s attention is so childish, and will probably get you unmatched or blocked.

Inserting some humour can help you stand out from the rest, but anything too self-deprecating is a real mood-killer says Jain.

1. I was hoping we would match. We seem to enjoy a lot of the same things.
2. What’s the worst pick-up line you’ve ever received? Hopefully, it’s not this one.
3. Hey! How’s your day/weekend treating you?
4. My dog/cat approves.

Ask meaningful open-ended questions = you’re looking for a real chat

The emphasis in on ‘meaningful’ explains licensed clinical psychologist and relationship coach Jaime Zuckerman, Psy.D. Such questions are great as they get your potential date thinking deeply about something.

It will also show if the person is willing to make an effort to have a thoughtful conversation or is it there for something else.

1. Which is one TV show/ movie franchise you can binge-watch over and over again?
2. What’s been the most exciting moment of your week?
3. Is there something that made you laugh really hard recently?
4. Is it weird to have a girl make the first move?

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Point out something in their profile = you like more than just their looks

When you think about it, their profile gives you all the info you need to strike up a conversation says registered psychologist and women’s introvert coach, Fiana Andrews Ed.S., C. Psych. Just spend some time studying their profile before messaging suggests Andrews.

Mentioning something in their bio shows that you are thoughtful says Jain. And even if their profile gives you peanuts, you can comment on one of their photos or preferences suggests Jain.

1. Your job sounds super interesting. What exactly does a (job name) do?
2. I love all your pics! Where did you take this particular photo?
3. Aw, what a [cute pet/stunning garden]!
4. I also went to [their high school/university]. What a small world! What did you study?

Ask them out on a date, or cut your losses = be confident

If it’s your first conversation and things are going well, it is important to get out in time before running out of things to chat about. Along with that, don’t do it abruptly. End the convo with a promise to pick up where you left off: assure them you’re not going to ghost them.

1. It was fun talking to you. I look forward to more.

If you’ve been chatting for a while, it’s time to pluck up the courage to ask them out or let them go. If the latter applies, do so gracefully, advises expert researcher Dr. Brené Brown.

Andrews says that it can be nerve-wracking to take the lead, but showing genuine interest can catch your potential date’s attention. It also shows how serious you are about meeting people, not just looking for a chat buddy or casual fling.

1. I’m free Friday, if you want to skip the awkward chats and go out for a coffee.
2. Tell me about the worst first date you’ve ever had. That way, I’ll be less nervous when we go on ours.
3. Do you like to dance? I know a fantastic spot downtown.

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