Are You Overthinking Your Relationship?

What if they’re not The One? How will moving-in work? What if they don’t like me as much as I like them?

Those what ifs and anxious feelings can be so annoying sometimes. But if you are a fellow overthinker – like me – rest easy knowing that it is fairly common in relationships.

Overthinking the relationship.

A unique trait that human have is that we can think about and observe our own thoughts and feelings. Mental health activist and author, Allison Raskin, says it is normal to spend a lot of time thinking about our relationship. Even carefully considering the choices we make, and how it will affect the potential future we have together.

What causes me to overthink my relationship?

Rooted in fear. Overthinking – believe it or not – can be a survival skill. Especially if you were in unhealthy relationships in the past, you may have learned to anticipate others’ reactions to keep yourself safe explains couples therapist, Steven Reigns. If you were once hurt or betrayed, you might fear it happening again. Fear not: relationship and dating expert, Gabriel Brenner, says this is also completely natural.
Lack of communication. No surprise there. Poor communication fuels the flames of underlying issues that are actually the root of your overthinking tendencies says former therapist and relationship expert Susan Trotter, PhD. Obsessively checking your partner’s location or who they are with can come from trust issues, past trauma and insecurities explains Trotter. Ultimately, we overthink when out partners do not understand how we feel.
Lack of trust. Which can originate from a lack of confidence in yourself or your relationship says Trotter. Overthinkers, often weigh their future against their past traumas. The people over at MindWell Psychology assures that even if something painful happened yesterday, there is no way of knowing if it will repeat tomorrow. You might find it hard to trust your partner, especially in early on in the relationship.
You have too much time on your hands. When you have nothing else to do but sit around and anxiously analyse what was said, or what they meant – you put yourself into a vicious cycle, explain MindWell Psychology. Certified couples therapist, Alicia Muñoz, LPC, warns that this even heightens your sensitivity to danger. You think you will be safe, as long as you ‘prepare’ for the worse: but this does more harm that good.

How to stop overthinking you relationship.

Learn why you overthink. Like any problem, you need to tackle overthinking at its core: rather than focusing on the symptom. Sex therapist, Emily Morse, PhD, says overthinking is often rooted in an anxiety or fear about your partner or yourself. Brenner says it might helpful to consult a counselor or therapist to identify the root of your fears.
Be present. Overthinking is often us worrying about what will happen in the future. Perhaps we are guilty or shamed or sad about something that happened in the past. But MindWell Psychology reminds us what we can only directly control what is now, in the present moment. When you mind begins to race, take a breath, and bring yourself to the present. You know what is to be true about your relationship.
Speak honestly with your partner. If we do not share our anxieties with out partner, how will ever understand us? Trotter advises that you sit down and have an open and honest talk about how you feel and why you feel that way. Morse says that communication is also to help your partner know what you are thinking and feeling: and foster understanding between both of you.
Face your anxious thoughts head on. Only you have the ability to change your mind. If you start overthinking try ‘changing the channel’ says Brenner. He emphasises not trying to convince yourself to stop overthinking: especially by shaming or blaming yourself. Reigns says that it is normal for random thoughts to jump into our heads, but we can choose to overthink these thoughts or let it float away. Psychologist Elena Touroni, PhD, suggests asking yourself ‘is this thought a fact or opinion?’ ‘Is there a different way to look at this?’. Challenge your negative inner voice to gain a new view on your situation.

One sure fire way to stop overthinking, is to know that people understand your worries and fears. Connecting with a third party, like a counselor or therapist, can give you the time and space to evaluate your traumas – to move forward towards a healthy and happy relationship.